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Forgive me, I am an addict.

 I am an addict. 

I addicted to the emotions of lack, that I am not enough, I need validation from others to prove that I am enough. I addicted to the memories of the past, how I was hurt and unfulfilled. I addicted to the known where things are expected and predictable. 

Because of the perceived lack-ness within, I was addicted to excessively consuming chocolate, snacks and sweets. Because of the perceived threat of criticism, I was addicted to the romance drama and entertainment shows to stop myself from showing up, so I could not get hurt. Because of the fight-flight-protection-survival mode is constantly on, I was my biggest mountain to cross-over to what I truly desired. Making me the biggest enemy of self, the attacker and the one being attacked. 

But, I am thankful.

For these emotions of the past, which show me a repeated cycle, one which I am grateful for making me who I am today, yet ‘they’ do not serve my highest good. I choose to releasing it now. I forgive myself, forgive those whom I perceived have hurt my feelings, and let them go. Thank you for showing me how to love. I love you and I am moving on. 

Now, I choose to focus on the vision of the future.

Investing in the unknown, where infinite possibilities are found. Feel as if the vision has already happen, marry the intention and be it. Enjoying the process of creation. Thank you for the opportunity to create dear universe.

Divine Being

Love Is All We Need

I was sitting on the couch, watching a documentary where friends drive and camp from Manali to Ladakh, that was the last chapter in Ladakh, a familiar place I have stayed for 2 weeks.

My dad came to the living room to grab something, he saw the scenery and asked where is this.

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“Panggong Lake in Ladakh, I have been here, it’s very beautiful, the border of China”, I said.

“India is having a ‘war’ with China in Ladakh”, he speak.

With a surprised look, I was dumbfounded. It is such a beautiful place up North of India and I have friends there so I was concerned.

Fast forward to just 30 minutes ago, I saw a post from Deep of a young man photo said to be martyred along with a couple more soldiers during the tension period.

Deep’s words touched every cells of my heart as he said why such young men needed to experience this because of some political conflict.

Deep urged the awakening of the Divine Feminine and taking action to lead, which is an archetype where we all embodied within.

This structs deep into my heart, I cried, and ask myself, what can I play apart to this. How can I invite you & myself to start paying more attention to what is happening around us?

Most importantly, how can we be at peace with ourselves with the on-going inner dialogue?

And, what can we do together?

Yes, we can shed tears,

we can send blessings, prayers, love to people in need – sick, ill, tension, suffering.

And start empowering ourselves to be and do our best, one step at a time.

We are all interconnected, by taking care of yourself, is taking care of the humanity and Earth as a whole. Then, step out, speak up, reclaim our power to do what feels right to you.

First, please take good care of your health.

That would be the least yet powerful move to make a difference as it would inspire more to do so.

Love is always the answer,

Vic Qi

So I was told..

So I was told to take sides,
if I did not choose side,
I was labelled as ignorant.
And because of this,
I was not a worthy lifelong partner.

So I was told to share a viral post,
if I did not spread the awareness,
I might perceived myself a silent oppressor.
And because of this,
I was conflicted within.

So I was told to step up my game,
if I did not do so,
I might be seen as a failure.
And because of this,
I was grieving for attachment.

So I was told that I was not speaking up,
if I did not share what I knew,
I was seen as a dark shadow who caused death.
And because of this,
I was found guilty within.

So I was told it is okay to stay low,
if I did not feel like being seen,
I can just focus on my own well-being.
And because of this,
I was relieved.

So I was told how to be and what to do,
if I did not be or do as told,
I am seen as the disconnected one.
And because of this,
I was looking for approval and validation.

So I was told to go within,
if I did not make time for silence,
I am easily swayed and confused.
And because of this,
I look forward to be in silence.

So I understand everyone has their path to go,
if I did not focus on my own path,
I am not doing good to anyone.
And because of this,
I decided to just mind my own business,
show myself unconditional love,
show compassion to all,
knowing the world is on duality,
and I love both sides,
by first showing kindness to self.

– Meraqi

Preparing Gift

It has been an interesting journey, when we come to the end of May, never would I imagine life has turned out this way. Was it a reflection of me I wonder? That this outer manifestation, this physical reality, this outcome, is way out of how I thought 2020 would be.



Yet, I am grateful for whatever happened, everything happen is here to help you. Even I might feel lonely in the sense there is no one to share such realisation, though I totally understand why things happened in such way. To remind me that change is the only constant, people, things, situation shifts because that is how life flows.

I am only needing to take care of my own business. However uncomfortable for me, I would have to accept and respect everyone has their own journey to go through. Stop trying to control, fix or rescue anyone from their own course of life. Start empowering yourself to create your reality instead. Focus on who you are, what you can do and how you can make little changes in daily life.

Even though with lots of changes, however big or small it is, it all pointed me towards self reliance. A huge topic to discover, yet I wish to find out so I could fully experience it. And I learned a huge point on why things has not happen as we desired. It is simply because it was not meant to happen, just yet. It is not the time. There were tons of reasons why things should or should not work, but, which is the absolutely truth? Only we know, deeply within.

I can finally lift a huge responsibility on my shoulder to make things happen, shifting from working hard to force things happen to allowing life flow effortlessly. There are things meant to cease from existing, there are things meant to be created, why don’t we just enjoy the process of creation, knowing it will happen anyway. Probably only myself could understand this.

For teachers in my life, my partners, friends, and family, I have a gift for all of you, I wish to share before..

I want you to receive this, so it helps in riding through your life. It is up to you if you find no interest in practising it, but it is my wish to pass this to you. Probably not 100% pure, with lots of mix messages from others and collectively. I only wish you to know all you need is yourself, you trusting your inner GPS, instinct.

Looking to share to you in June 2020.

Before I sail, I choose to take a stop by the harbour, share my story.

Before I go Home, I choose to be distracted, share my joy.

Before I leave, I choose to take a breather, share my presence.

This is a gift, for you, my beloved you.

Meraqi

Much blessings,

Vic Qi

Shifting Powerlessness to Love & Acceptance

The self chatter (inner critic) could be the worst enemy as we tend to judge and critic ourselves. This is a gentle reminder to be easy on yourself, you did what you could at that moment. The question is how could we shift the mindset from seeing as ‘failures’ to life transforming lessons? From ‘I am not good enough (feeling powerless)’ to ‘I love and accept myself as who I am’ (reclaiming own power).

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This is a once-a-blue-moon sharing my personal journey on processing thoughts after receiving constructive feedbacks: (Note: I am open to share my lessons but I am not sharing to ask for validation or vice versa).

Since 2019, I have been setting intentions and sharing that (1) I am practising unconditional love to myself and others; (2) I am practising to express my feelings and needs; and (3) I am practising to show up as I am by giving what I could.

As the journey goes, there will be feedbacks with good intentions. Some constructive feedbacks I received which hit me to the core (ego-side perhaps): I was told that I have not been loving others unconditionally as I choose my circle to be with. I was told that interacting with me was like talking to a child, that I was not serious some or most of the time. I was told that I am in my comfort zone, in a happy bubble who has long way to go in life. I was told that the content I created was not up to a certain value.

So yes I am open for feedback, when there are feedbacks, I would start questioning and reflecting, “is this true?” Most of the time, I choose not to take things personally and respect one’s opinion. Sometimes, I would take it all in which lead to self doubt and self-criticism. Which is a normal process, I deem, letting it in, feeling the self-depreciating emotions, sitting with it. As it goes, at times, I can observe the thoughts, then at times, I would question “is this the projection from the other person?”.

There are times like “what others thought of me is none of my business, what important is how I see myself.” I do acknowledged each words and feelings shared to me, seeing it like a ball, someone pass me a ball with lots of comments on the ball, it is for me to decide if I want to take the ball in or just take certain comments which I deem I needed to work on. So I come into (an ongoing) realisation that, no one really knows or fully understand who you are (who I am), why I do what I do, even I myself have new self-discovery everyday, so I choose to only control what I can control – self alignment and keep being and doing what I feel it is ‘right’. And that is my focus.

So, here am I, after some time, aware that this is a lifelong learning journey, I forgive myself for not knowing best at that time, I love and accept myself as I am now. Still and willing to practise unconditional love, I am still practising in expressing my needs and feelings, and I am still practising showing up as who I am. Till recently, I am practising to ask and receive honest feedbacks, I would listen actively and then reflect upon myself.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and suggestions, I do appreciate your intention and courage in letting me know and I am sorry for your pain (if there are). I learn to process my emotions, to be the observer of thoughts and to express my feelings. Authenticity is the goal, well, of course I do appreciate feedbacks on the ‘brighter’ side too plus ways to improve myself and my creation. Let us compliment each other more and share our feelings honestly, okay? Lastly, be easy to yourself.

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Self-pat**
From one who accept herself as who she is 

Dancing Raise Me Up From Low Self-Esteem

From a dancer in Nursery to a lone dancer in the room to a host for silent disco dance in the street and now, to a free-flow dancer who are proud to share her dancing videos!

My Journey from Low Self Esteem to a Cosmic Dancer:
My love for dancing and performing has been ignited since I was 6 years old where I performed Chinese Fan dances, at first I thought I liked it because I get to wear make up and beautiful long shimmering dress. Until teen age, I realised dancing is one of my best way to release tensions.

As low self-esteem kicked in when I was 13 years old, I only dance alone in the room, feeling unworthy of showing up. I was in a Cheerleader club, not as a cheerleader but as the club treasurer. It did not occur to me to start dancing in public again until my first clubbing experience, I was totally into it and realised I really enjoy dancing. But that was under low lighting exposure, I am (still) very conscious of how I would move in front of others with tons of self-judgment on how I appear to others.

Forever grateful to dear Peter

The Significant Change
Not until 2017, I attended the very first ecstatic dance in Perth, hosted by the DJ who is a dear friend of mine, Peter. It was during his birthday party, he invited his tribe to express themselves fully with loads of mind opening heartwarming activities, one of it is dancing freely. We were wearing animal onesie and so we embodied the animal spirit and expressed it out. I learned how to just put aside self judgment, allow my body to flow as the music flows. Starting to close the eyes, focus on how I feel, to slowly daringly move the body. The experience was such a mind blown experience for me, after flowing indoor, we went out to the street and had so much fun! (Video on Facebook)

Since then, I started to attend more dance event from Dancing in the Dark to conscious tantra Dance to 5 Rhythms and, even started to host World Dance Day- Silent Disco in the street of Kuala Lumpur twice! (Trial Silent Disco video with friends) From having 3 participants to 30 participants the next year, leading the group to dance in the city centre. One important realisation is that, nobody really cares (to criticise) about how you dance, even dancing in the public, all I care about is how am I judging myself.

World Dance Day 2019 (silent disco) around the street in KualaLumpur

Someone asked me, “wouldn’t you mind how others think of you?”

“When I don’t judge myself, what others’ perception of me does not affect me. Because I accept myself as I am, that is all really matters!”, I replied.

One of the Misconception of Dancing:

Some might perceived that dancing must involved certain steps and footwork, yes, but not all. In this case, I would put the footsteps and rulebook aside, shifting focus to your heart, where it leads the body to flow. ‘Follow your heart’, it says. No thinking required too. It is a space where we deepen our heart connection to move the body, letting go of judgment and the should-or-should-not. You are here to express yourself, there will be no right or wrong, no standard to follow. Truly, from your heart-space.

My Invitation to You:

Everyday dance to a song at wherever you feel comfortable, one to three minutes of self expression would really boost your mood! When you feel good, life flows with ease, and you shall receive what your heart desires. Don’t take life so seriously, have fun, dance it out, laugh at yourself, move it-move it!

May you reclaim your personal power and regain confidence within by remembering who you are!


Dancing in circle,
Mera